It has taken me until now to be able to face up to the wrongful ways in which you treated me or acted towards me.
The mental abuse was like knives to my heart that has left deep scars that have only ever partially healed.
No one should have to endure that amount of suffering, for any reason, at any time in their lives.
I can recall countless times that I was humiliated by crude comments, degraded by the spread of false rumours, scrutinized by what I said or didn’t say, and belittled to make me feel less important.
Your cruelty made me bitter, unable to trust anyone, not even myself.
I was left feeling inadequate, empty and alone, and in complete silence.
There were days where I was terrified to go to school, struck with fear of the monsters that would be waiting for me.
I became fearful; I isolated myself from the world and people.
I lost interest of the simple pleasures of life.
I was only a young girl;
I felt helpless, worthless and alone.
I felt persistently sad, and empty. I became tirelessly worried but unable to sleep from the constant worry.
My weight greatly fluctuated between a battle of eating for comfort or feelings sickened with nausea from the overwhelming emotions. I became preoccupied and uncomfortable with my body-image.
I hated myself!
If the constant depressive state wasn’t enough, the anxiety was eating away at my mind and body.
I became highly anxious to be around people. Fear of being judged, rejected, or humiliated.
I would avoid places where my fellow peers would be.
When I did attend school, I would often tremble in fear.
Middle School and High School are supposed to be filled with joyous memories, but unfortunately mine are only of pain and suffering.
I remember the name calling, the shouting, and the hurtful messages written to me on object with permanent marker. I remember the disgraceful flyers (hundreds of them) that were spread around my High School, the disgusting signs and notes left on my locker, and the online mental trauma and empty threats.
I lost total self-esteem, self-confidence; I lost myself and the ability to love myself.
I started to act out, losing respect for my parental rules.
I started on risky journey and experimented with smoking, alcohol and drugs.
I cut myself to feel something, anything.
But with any life experience, good or bad, there are life lessons to be learned.
Because of you,
I gained insight and perspective.
I grew with strength and perseverance.
I vowed to always be kind, respectful, conscientious, empathetic, and soulful.
I learned to love blindly, wholeheartedly, and deeply.
I learned so much about the value of relationships.
All because of you.
Today, I love myself.
Most importantly, despite everything, I forgive you.
-Rachel Page ♥
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